Rubik's Cube, Vol I, Issue i

I’m Fairly Certain the Color Printer is Lying to Me
by Dr. H Miller

What started as a creeping suspicion has turned into a sinking certainty. The office color printer is almost definitely lying to me. At first it was small things. It would tell me it needed toner suspiciously soon after a new cartridge had been inserted. Then it was saying it needed to be manually fed the legal paper for no discernible reason. Now, however, it is feeding me blatant bull$hit about paper jams in trays that don’t exist.

Well, I’ve had it. The day I take cow flop about needing to perform printer maintenance from a machine is the day hell freezes over. If this crappy Photojet 3000 thinks I’m buying into its ruse of making me inspect its innards for 15 minutes like some sort of mechanical gynecologist, it is sorely mistaken.

I know there’s no input error. Stop lying to me. Is this because I accidentally print things twice sometimes? Is it because I ignore your pleas for toner? Perhaps my jibes at your lackluster colors cut too deep. While I’m sorry if this is the case, this reaction demeans us both. No matter how many times I push the help button, you just give me the same emotionless reaction as always. We’ll never solve our differences unless we get to the root of the problem. But if covering up wounds with fibs is your tune, don’t expect me to dance, motherf*cker. If you persist in this charade, I’m going to jack you up like Terry Tate and upend you into a neighboring cubicle. Think I’m bluffing? Try me, Photojet 3000. Just try me.